My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
