As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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