there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
