I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
