I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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