Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
