I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
