the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize