my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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