If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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