Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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