He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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