I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize