So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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