Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
