life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
