Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
