I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My vagina just clenched in fear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
