i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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