I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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