I'm passing your future prison.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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