ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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