the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize