are you still at the devil's house?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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