No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
