Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
