My liver just broke up with me...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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