we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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