I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
