I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
