I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
