paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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