well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
