I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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