I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
