Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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