and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
