my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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