I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
