You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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