No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
