Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Couch. On fire.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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