Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
