cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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