I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
