On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
