I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
