I met the friendliest cop last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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