you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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