i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
