Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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