i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
