Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
