drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
did i walk over a car last night?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
