you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
