Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
